•our scars remind us that the past is real•

xsolitarysoulx @ 2009-06-14T20:04:00

2009-06-15T01:17:57Z

So, I really suck at relationships haha. I would really like to know how I can juggle my time more appropriately and not just spend it with one person.

My problem seems to be that I get so easily infatuated and that person seems to get all my attention when they aren't my Intentions! If that made any sense.

I really like spending time with Tyler, but I see that Im having major problems with the rest of my life. I know its going to sound silly... but yesterday while at work, I was contemplating what I do and why I do it. I was so scared to tell him that im broke and cant afford to get him something for his birthday, when Melissa reassured me over and over that I had nothing to worry about and that I was just being silly.. Turns out, thats all I really was being. He said the same thing that I should have expected: Save your money for the vacation, what I want from you is to have enough money to shop and have fun with us, i've got nothing to worry about. I dont know what I was honestly expecting him to say... Its just weird, Im just waiting for a response from me to make him angry, and I think I know where that came from... Or just the way I dont have to lie about certain things, or actually say what I feel and have it turn into some kind of guilt trip or mind fuck... Im trying to secretly deal with this and not shed too much light on it because I think Im doing a good job.. I just dont want to make myself sound weird or anything haha.

Im really excited, 29 more days until Valley Fair hehe, Im so lame... Im just really pumped because I havn't been outside of Canada since I went to Florida with Zeena when we were 12

xsolitarysoulx @ 2009-05-29T16:04:00

2009-05-29T21:20:15Z

I dont know exactly why I even have this shit as friends only. I have nothing to really hide haha. Im really happy.. Im very excited, I dont wanan get my hopes up way too much, but I may be going on a vacation in July.. Hehe, im stoked, I havn't been to the states since Florida since I went with Zeena and her parents.

Speaking of which, I got a txt from her today and we're going to hang out asap because we havn't talked or seen eachother in probaby almost a year, with the exception of a hug in the hallway at RRC after classes started in September.

Life is good for me right now, and I really love it. It feels good not having to worry about stupid things, and always have a chip on my shoulder.

I need to revamp my schedule because shit man, I need to get out and drink some more or party it up, or do something because Im sick of never being able to do anything!!

I kinda dont want to work tonight, but I know that if I want money for this summer - I need to get my ass on that shit!!!

i finally talked to Vanessa yesterday on the phone, haha I felt bad that I took so long on the phone while at Tylers place, but I know he didn't mind. We had such a great conversation, haha she really wants me to go down, as do I... But it doesn't seem to be able to pan out this summer either just because Im fucking broke as shit and dont make a whole lot of money with what I do and cant save worth frickin peanut butter.

Im going to quit smoking. I have one more to my name, and havn't decided if I will have it or not, but after that there will be no more.

im too sick to continue. I dont want to make my situation worse. Im supposed to be getting better, not waiting to see if IM going to go either way or not. I want to have kids, and I dont want to ruin my chances of screwing myself over with that shit.... Im too young to be this sick, so therefore, I will be smokefree now, if not tomorrow. For those who are wondering wtf, when Im ready to speak about it publically, I will... if not, then we'll just keep it at this, no worries.

But I need to get ready for work, so I will be on later most likely because I work in the morning, we have a staff meeting *blah* and everyone seems to be busy this evening, which is cool. Im sick of always missing out though, dang.

xsolitarysoulx @ 2008-03-02T12:16:00

2008-03-02T18:29:50Z

I think i may even start to use this more often. Its a really good stress release. So, this morning, i woke up at 8 and left to go meet Andre at his apartment, I like to hang out with him in the mornings, just talk and cuddle.. Just all 'round spend the most time i can with him since he works nights right now, and im always on days, so its difficult, but we made it work. After he went to bed i finished my sandwich and went to go lay down with him, he was almost completely asleep, so i offered to give him a back rub. He loved it, and i knew he could use one because of the shitty night at work he had.. Anyways, i fell asleep after i was finished to be awoken by my mom phoning me.. Lol she was on her way to church and needed to pee really badly so she asked if she could come up since she was right there anyways.. I got dressed and let her in she came upstairs with me and i explained to her that andre was sleeping for the day.

While she was in there, I went and sat at the computer when someones msn box popped up. I for some reason clicked on his hotmail, just to be a dick.. When i came across two picture/ video messages, the first one was a pair of really nasty tits, and the second one was the girls face whom they belonged too. i knew who she was, she was the girl that andre wanted to end our relationship over because i asked her in the spring of last year if he 'came on too strongly' of course she said no, how stupid was i that perhaps she would have said any different? he was so offended that he practically spent the night at her house to prove a point or something, but we wont go there.

the next thing i seen, because at this point i was so crushed, i found an email that he sent her telling her thanks for the hardon that he woke up with and that she sucks, he laughed and told her to have a good one.

i told him to never call me again, because honestly i cant do this anymore

i cant be the girl that he comes home to, who will rub his back and smile to try and make him forget his day, i cant be the girl thats his fucking security blanket when he goes and looks at other girls tits and what not, talks to whomever and whatever he wants to. he doesn't get the fact that he cant do this kind of shit to me and keep me there.

what the fuck kind of guy says that he wants me to get over whatever it is that im dealing with, spends day in and day out with me, sleeps with me, just to go out and get satisfied by even a picture. lol he tried to tell me that he didn't ask her to send him that picture, like yea.. ok

no girl in their right mind takes a picture like that [and i mean she was holding one, to make it look all 'sexy' and shit] and send it to a random guy friend.. umm.. no. i dont buy that for one second..

im actually sick to my stomach. ive been throwing up all morning, i cant think straight, nothing.

i feel so dirty, so used, so shitty.

its good to know that the guy whos supossed to love you, cant stay faithful. im sorry, thats just now the behaviour to have when you love the person that you're with.

omg!! lol i just cant believe that ive been played the fool once again. i know i can find a nice guy who will say all the things that andre said to me, but mean them this time. if andre honestly meant what he said to me, he wouldn't be looking at other 'friends' tits and getting hard. no, theres something more to that story there, i dont want to know what it is though. not one bit.

xsolitarysoulx @ 2008-02-16T08:59:00

2008-02-16T15:00:17Z

i love you, what can i do to show you that i care with every fiber in my body?

xsolitarysoulx @ 2008-02-16T08:52:00

2008-02-16T14:59:13Z

ive decided something, im never going to speak my mind ever ever again. this is it.

im not here to cause drama, im not here to do anything.

my feelings are all wrong and im a worthless piece of shit, i should have remembered that,

i can never do anything right its funny actually

i cry, i get blamed

i cut myself - i get blamed

i take something to help me sleep - i get blamed

i start taking pills to help me cope with my own fucking mind and i still get blamed

this whole fucking life has to end for me

i cant do anything to please you, ever!!

you tell me time and time again when i get upset that all you do is love me,.. when i speak my mind for one fucking minute and its not okay with you

there obviously isn't a problem ohhh nooooooooooooo no problem at all except all i did was hurt you, what about how i feel?

i cant cook you food right when your feeling down, i cant tuck you in bed right because im just not perfect enough for you.

what the fuck do i have to do.. and to top everything off, apparently i use you for things? i offered to give everything back and you said "no, it was a gift" and then turn around a coupple months later and tell me that im using you for everything you've got. im sick of it.

i dont think i will ever accept a gift rom anyone and be able to take it for what it is A GIFT im sorry

im so fucking sorry that you had to meet me because of all the pain that i supposedly put onto you.

i cant do anything right here, i dont know where else to turn

youre supposed to be the person that i can lean on.. but yet i cant talk to you..

i honestly truely deeply and whole heartedly wish that i would just fucking die already so that i could stop hurting people like i apparently do all the fucking time

the funny thing is, this entry is all honest things that may not have all applied to this week or last, but ill still get in trouble and everything will once again be all my fault just for speaking up.

someone please, if you love me you will kill me, i really dont want to live anymore.

Matt Damon .

2007-11-24T00:44:41Z

You know what I hate the most about everything is the fact that people cant tell a straight story, and now I feel like an a-hole. But at least everyone knows the tricks and it wont make a difference anyways. It's like saran-wrap, yes I said saran-wrap..

Lol, gotta love the internet from work:P I feel so liberated!!

In love and lonely .

2007-11-22T20:21:25Z

Wow, I havn't written in here for a long time, but I felt this is the right way to get everything out, because I woulnd't mind everyone reading this, but I know since everyone barely uses this anymore, it'll pretty much be kept unread.

Well, something happened that I never thought would.. Me and Andre are no longer together. I feel like the worst pile of shit ever for this. I want him to know just how much I still do love him and always will. My heart hurts, and Im sick to my stomache. I dont know if I did the right thing or not, as bad as that sounds.. I stand behind the reason it had to be done, but I never wanted it to come to that, ever.. I thought.. If maybe me and him move somewhere far away, I wont have the stress of everyone clashing with him, and we can just be alone and work on us, just us. I miss my baby so fucking much and all I want to do is talk to him. I havn't stopped crying in 3 days and I dont know how much more I can take of this.

I never wanted to be the moster who calls anything off, a part of me feels that I made a huge mistake, and a small part of me is trying to keep sane of reasons why. I even talked to my mom about this, and her advice was just to give it some more time, I'll know if I made the wrong decision. I just hate the feeling of someone standing on my chesst and making it hard for me to breathe, I constantly feel like Im gonna pass out, and thats obviously no good.

It's just so hard dweling on him saying "Im sorry you had to experience this, I things would have worked out differently, Goodbye Ashley" Fuck man, I bawl everytime I hear that in my mind; and even as I write that, Im a total wreck. I just really feel like the horrible person here, and it sucks.

He was my everything, I can relate everything thats ever happened to me in the last 2 years of my life with him in some way. Every place in the city, every restaurant, every song, every everything!!! Im not entirely sure how Im supposed to get over this. How does anyone get over this? I remember telling Zeena before my birthday, that even if I may not feel I can marry him just yet - I cant see my life without him there, right until the end - by my side. And I stand by that comment.

I got to love that boy more than I ever thought I could love someone. And he loved me more than I ever thought someone could. I would like to eventually get back together with him, I just hope he's going to still want to, and I hope that this is really a wake up call for every little thing or demon and needs to be worked out. I feel in order for it to be worked out to its fullest, I need to be away for a while, so that everyone gets the picture, that Im not fooling around. Deep down, that boy is an amazing person, inside and out - despite what people may say. I want to be with him but it's just so hard to see us like that. He brings out the best in me, but he also brings out the worst sometimes, and thats why I had to do what I did. Even if he never wants to get back together with me - I still would love more than anything to be friends.

Even though I wouldn't change anything that happened for the world, a small part of me is asking 'what if' we never went past friends? What if we only stayed best friends??! Im so glad we got to have what we did, and I would still love to continue that as long as the circumstances are right..

I just feel so fucking broken right now, it's like Im missing an arm or a leg, and I hate it. No matter what people tell me to try and comfort me and be there for me, it still doesn't help the fact that I feel terrible and I hate it. I have people that I barely know telling me not to worrie that things like this happen all the time, and its only a matter of time before we get back together since we love eachother.

But can he still love me after this? Does he? I would like to think so, because I know I was basically his everything, but still.. I dont know.

I always went above and beyond in that relationship to keep him with me, when I guess I really didn't need to. I know Im a good person, and I should have known that the whole time.

I cant even sit here anymore, I gotta go out.. Drive or something, clear my fucking head :'(

</3

xsolitarysoulx @ 2007-05-07T18:02:00

2007-05-07T23:25:53Z

Holy fuck.. Long time, no fuckin update.

Im so tired from work all the time I dont even know what to say.

Im sitting here right now, and I know there's a lot of things that have gone on in the past who knows how long that I should be putting in here, but Im just really feeling shitty right now and my minds just blank.

Blah.. Someone help me:( haha Im such a suck when Im sick;)

I've got nothing .

2007-03-09T15:13:43Z

At 2am this is what I do best..

xsolitarysoulx @ 2006-12-22T01:01:00

2006-12-22T01:01:06Z

So.. I dont have much time, Im waiting for a ride.. But... I just dont know anymore.

There's something wrong, medically, with my mom and she isn't telling me what it is. I've heard her and my dad both mention something serious in bits and pieces of conversations but no ones told me anything yet.

The only thing I could gather is that its a cyst[sp] somewhere and they dont know if it's gonna turn into something more serious than it is right now. Since its in the beginning stages or w.e and only a cm big - its very unpredictable.

Christmas always finds a way to destroy everyone.

xsolitarysoulx @ 2006-09-13T15:06:00

2006-09-13T20:16:57Z

This journal is now friends only.
I hate that it's had to come to this, but I can't trust certain people anymore [you know who you are] and this is what had to be done.

So to the rest of you nice folks, happy reading!! :) I hope you enjoy the soap opera that I call a life! :D Yay!! -ash xxx

xsolitarysoulx @ 2006-09-13T01:45:00

2006-09-13T06:46:14Z

...Not Forever - Tsunami Bomb

I thought that this was solid
Stability and safety sitting in my hand
Just take a look at your life
Your all alone!

Who’ll be there when I need someone
Count on nobody and no one will let you down
I don’t care, Just let me go
I don’t need this anymore

Love is not forever
Friendship is not forever
There is nothing set in stone
You’re on your own

Who’ll be there when I need someone
Count on nobody and no one will let you down
I don’t care, Just let me go
I don’t need this anymore

Dependence is followed by weakness
Don’t be your own hostage
If I know so many
Why don’t they know me
They don’t know me

Just take a look at your life
Your all alone!
Now I know what we’re made of
Confusion, Complication, and Uncertainty
I thought this was real, I was wrong
So I don’t’ know

Who’ll be there when I need someone
Count on nobody and no one will let you down
I don’t care, Just let me go
I don’t need this anymore
Who'll be there when I want someone
Don't expect that anyone will go out of their way
I don't care that I'm all alone
I don't need this anymore

Haha, I think thats nicely said myself.. With all the goings on. Perfect.

And the loser says what .

2006-09-12T19:23:34Z

So Nicole msg'd me today to let me know that the Goldeye's wrap party is tonight. Fuck. Im so dissapointed that I can't go!

Last year it was so fun.

Haha, I'd almost be a little scared to see what Jason would have to say to me after he's had a few drinks:P Lmao.. What a guy, I mean, those txt msg's from him when he was sober were fantastic bahaha, not many people can say they had a boss like him. Teehee

[I had gotten a few that when they were all said and done he said "oh sorrie:P I thought I was talking to Frankie there for a second] :O lmao Frankie!! What are you and Jason up to:P ;) Those were some.. to say the least, pretty choice msg's about.. lets just say.. pleasurable experiences hahaha. From what was said, I wouldn't put it past him to let us take those cameras home with us ;) Lol I love that guy, he's great. :)

Anyways though.. Im gonna miss Goldeyes, for sure.

:(

Clever got me this far then tricky got me in .

2006-09-04T07:39:33Z

So tonight was an interesting turn of events.

I went out for coffee with Melissa and Lisa. We sat and talked about a lot of stuff. Got a crap ton out in the open, well, kind of I guess.. It seems were all on the same page with this whole Andre thing.. Which, in my opinion, is an awesome thing. Because I feel like now we can all move on and get along and whatever. Because, really, none of that past shit needed to happen, it's sad that it took us this long to come to that realization of what was going on etc. and finally get through everything.

Other then that.. Wow. I cant believe the Van situation. Thats totally fucked, and sorrie I couldn't say or help out more. [I was preoccupied with the new issue of that lovely convo I was sent between dre and kayla] But really, jesus. I cant believe Angies snooping that low. Thats retarded. I wonder how shes gonna treat my dad when he gets there =/. But I mean, come on, she obviously doens't care about anyone but herself and clearly she doens't care who she hurts, as bad as that is. If shes seriously willing to throw away her family, even her own and ONLY daughter, fuck her. Honestly, shes got problems, I never thought she was like that, I mean I know I only met her for a short time to say the least, but still.. Thats a little but.. Retardedly crazy. Lol. You know Im right when I say Jenns keeping her distance for good reason. I mean, how shitty would you feel if you knew you were the reason that a mother and daughter hate eachother [well, you know what I mean]. So, as hard as it is, dont take it personally. And, this has GOT to blow over sometime relatively soon.. I mean, shes gonna smarten up sooner or later. Either that, or.. She can bunker with Chrissy and Danny:P Lol. I cant see her leaving behind her WHOLE family. As for Chrissy, what a fucking tool. As if 'the strong one' of the bunch, the rebel if you will, caved that easily.. Shes such a hypocrite. Shes no better then anyone, I dont see how she thinks shes all that and a bag of chips, really. She can calm her ass down and get off that cloud.

Holy crap, so.. I just talked to Jason for a few minutes =/ shiiiiitttt, long time no speak. I havn't talked to him in like.. Well, almost two years. He stopped talking and distanced himself from everyone it seemed after he started dating Dez. Dont get me wrong, Im happy for the both of them, for sure.. Just, I miss talking to him.. We had some of the most random conversations. Good times, good times. But yea.. That was awesome. I hate the fact though that EVERYONE changes when they start dating someone. Like why? Why not keep your friends and still have your.. significant other. This really pisses me off, I havn't known anyone so far to NOT change when they're with someone. Boourns.

HMm.. I discovered that mcdonalds double cheeseburgers are fucking disgusting with no ketchup. Shit. Well, that and it was just too much meat for me to handle. Yuck *gag*. Lol Im not ready to just dive in like that, it's just gross as hell.

What else.. Shit man, I had a crap ton to say and.. My mind just turned to mush lol. Oh well, I'll update when I remember:P

Fffuuuuuuucccckkkk .

2006-08-31T14:47:59Z

When I spent the day with Andre on Sunday, we got talking about how we're going through certain situations right now, and how stress plays a big part of everything right now..

He went on to say that our problems aren't all that different..

Well lets see.. My familys crumbling from every which way possible. And everythings happening so fast and there's nothing that can be done to stop anything.

His biggest problem is that he's fighting with someone who he doesn't have to be!!!!!!!!!!. Maybe you like being treated like shit, I know I dont.. So therefore I dont put myself in situations like that, but hey - thats just me.

For the longest time I felt terrible for you Andre.. I felt so bad about how stressed you were and all the shitty things that keep happening to you.. But you know, I've come to realize something.. I really shouldn't. And you know why? You do it alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll and I mean ALL to yourself. No ones forcing you to do anything, to talk to anyone, to see anyone, to do anything WITH anyone.. It's all your conscience decision.

My problems are out of my hands. There's absolutely nothing I can do or say to anyone to bring back how we used to be before my mom took off last year.

A part of me, as much as I dont want it too.. Still does feel bad for you Andre. I kick myself for even admitting that, but whatever. I don't see why YOU can't see that you dont have to be going through any of this right now.. Honestly, you can leave all your stress behind in a blink of an eye, your just choosing not to and I don't understand why not. Dont you like the thought of an almost completely stress free life? That doesn't spark your interest in the slightest? I know if someone offered that to me I'd take that shit in a blink of an eye.

Just do me a favor though, dont start telling me one thing and doing another again, thats some bullshit IIIIIIIIIIIIII would lllooovveee to leave in the past, how about that? Sounds good. Like really, there's no sense in telling me one thing for no reason [my personal theory is.. perhaps to, you know, let me hear what I want to hear] when we both know damn well that whatever it is, isn't how it actually goes. [a good example that I can think of atm.. How I was introduced to your family at Ray's grad party.. not that Im gonna get into THAT] Point being, it fucking hurts, as much as you think it's doing everyone a favor by having everyone happy for the moment, well.. Newsflash!! It's 2 months later, and I still feel like crap. Awesome.

Stressed?! Try living my life for a day. Everythings just starting to catch up to me 10-fold I swear. Right now, I feel like I could take a panic attack at any fucking second, the one I've been fighting back for a while. I can't breathe and I cant sleep, I've been bawling my eyes out ever since I woke up this morning, and I dont know what to do. I just feel like shit, everything's just taking it's oh so lovely toll. I think Im actually losing my sanity here. Im starting to be able to keep down my food again, it's been a whole week, which is awesome.. Because as I've chosen for good reason not to tell anyone, ever since I've come home from my trip - I've been so sick that I havn't been able to eat and keep anything down. No, Im not making myself do it, it's just happening to me. My stomaches gotten super weak for nothing. I havn't thrown up so much in my whoollleee life, let alone a few weeks. I've lost I think 6 pounds.. Could have been worse, but hey - I wont complain about that one:P Speaking of which, fuck I feel sick this morning.

To the next person to pull some shit on me thats just 'letting me hear what I wanna here', or just says one thing and does another, which to me.. Is lying in a sense, or makes me feel like Im being lied to I should say, and thats OBVIOUSLY not a good thing.. Im gonna kick your sorrie ass, I fucking swear. My bullshit tolerance has finally maxed out. Im done with all this shit, every last bit of it. Im fucking pissed off, and I dont get this huge asshole attitude very often. But Im ready to fucking SNAP. So just watch what you say to me, or it's game over, and I MEAN that, sincerely. And thats a promise.

You know, one last thing I thought I'd throw in here Andre.. Since you wern't at home last night, I wasn't gonna start a huge conversation, but anyways.. Since when do you deal with hard shit? I still remember it like it was yesterday.. When you picked me up on that Sunday afternoon, I could probably even get the date if you'd like[ the day uuuhhhhhh we hung out.. on the couch.. and I got a swolen knee;)bahaha].. Anyways, it was the night after I had popped E for my first time.. I knew there was something not right, and I didn't wanna tell you. But it slipped anyways and you got SOOOOOOOO pissed at me.. And went on and on about how that shits dangerous and how it stays in you for so long, and all the damage it does etc. etc. And now I find out from Melissa that you we're gonna buy yourself one? FFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK THAT!! If your all good with it, why'd you go on preaching to me how deadly it was????? People just dont change their minds on something like THAT overnight. Not even over a span of a few months. People just dont change their minds about things like that period. So wtf? And whats this about you wanting to do acid? I thought you were pissed at me for doing that too?? You gotta get your shit straight. If your gonna cave for all these things - don't fucking get pissed at me for doing them. . .

[Van, if you're reading this.. he's being the equivilant to the whole "Oooglla Boooglla!!!" thing bahahaha]

Do me a favor, dont make assumptions of how bad something is until you've actually done it yourself. I mean, yes, I know how bad it is for your body - but who the fuck cares? Not me right now.. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't make me feel like shit for a choice that I'VE made and done just because it goes against what you believe. ESPECIALLY if you wanna do it. Dont start getting into this shit because the people around you are, that aint right.. Lol we're not in elementary anymore, you dont have to cave into peer pressure [even though there is none:P]

This rant in itself has made me feel a tad better, go me.

xsolitarysoulx @ 2006-08-30T20:56:00

2006-08-31T02:34:35Z

First, I wanna start by saying Im tired of being the somewhat 'secret' friend.. This is getting stupid. Im the one that never did anything wrong[!!!], yet, Im either last choice to hang out with, or only certain people can know when Im over there etc. Whatever. I feel like crap.

Secondly, my dad's a prick. He's been so damned depressed ever since I can remember mostly because he lost contact with his kids and how he didn't wanna hear what they'd have to say and how he wanted so much to talk to them etc. etc. But yet, I phoned my mom from work on Saturday, and she said that I'd be lucky if I got the chance to say goodbye to him because he was resting up to take off right away to NB. I was like.. wtf? Anyways, so he was there when I got home, his bags were packed, everything was by the back door and they had checked into insurance, so I knew that this wasn't just something that was being said, it was the real deal. Anyways, so since I was going to that party with Andre, I got the nerve to go and say goodbye to him.. I went over [because he was sitting on the couch watching tv] I told him to have a safe trip, that he would be missed, to call us from the next big city, aaaand yea.. Anyways, when I was all done, I bent down to give him a hug. . . . . . . He didn't say anything to me. He didn't even lift his fuckin arms to give me a hug!!! Just sat there. He never even looked at me while I was standing right in front of him telling him how much he would be missed etc. What a bastard. Needless to say I was suuuuppper upset for most of the evening.

He decided to wait until Friday to go because he had forgotten about some last minute things that he needed. And he had an appointment at the hospital on Monday, at which they told him that he had a shit load of fluid built up around his heart, that was building up for like 6 or 7 months.. So his health isn't stable enough to travel at all. He has to go back to the hospital for a penicillin[sp] shot once a week until it's cleared up. The doctor said that he shouldn't even think of going anywhere until October.. So I guess it's back to square one with that one.

Work is going alright I suppose.. It's sooo fucking boring, but thats alright I guess lol it's not stressful or anything in the least, so thats right on. I just wish I had someone to talk to for 8 hours instead of being pretty much by myself. But whatever. I hate my job though, even though it's easy and super slack.. It's llaaammmeee!! Fuck man, some of the people I work with are so stupid sometimes.. Hoooollyyy.. I love though when a customer comes up to me and askes where something is and as Im turning around to touch what their looking for, they just get right jarred lmao. Thats great.

Im so happy I have Friday off.. Thats gonna kick ass. Im hanging out with Vikki, because shes leaving Friday night :'(!!! I hope something good goes down this weekend *crosses fingers* Perhaps that party? Lol who knows.

What an Interesting 24 hours indeed .

2006-08-28T04:44:29Z

HOly man.. That was the most random 24 hours I think I've ever experienced, or wait.. scratch that.. 48, because I had an interesting day too[ my second day of work, that is:P].

I had had a super long day, and at the last minute, realized I was going to a party when I got home. Got ready, went to Jasons to pre-game, went to the party [which totally freaked me out because I knew some people there from before =/], watched Richard light his hair on fire hahaha and.. strip tease I think it was? lmao. Stayed until.. 4ish? Went back to Jasons and we all only crashed out at about 5:30?

Sals for breakfast, then sat around.. Went to see Accepted, was an alright movie.. *thumbs up* Came back, just chilled:P, post-gamed it:P, came home. I ate the best pie ever, some Greek supper dish. Oooh boy, it was awesome. And now Im finally ready to crash out before I dont get any sleep:P

Other then this, I have a whoolllee crap ton to say.. I think, I dunno if I said it or not yet haha, wow. I really am a little more stoned then I think I am. Oops HAHA. Oh well, good times though. :)

Has no one told you? Your cries are all in vain .

2006-08-26T16:33:41Z

Last night was my last Goldeyes game.. EVER! I was so excited to be done, but now that I am, it's kinda sad actually. As much as I absolutely loathe baseball, I liked the job. I mean, how many people can EVER say they've done camera for the Jumbo-tron? Not many. Other than it being fairly easy money, it was somethingI actually liked doing. Which makes me think that I wanna stay in Tec for another year, and see where that goes.. If I can get a Shaw job or something, that would be fucking awesome. I know with Aaron, he only works for them here and there, whenenver they need a spare camera person for their mobile. That would be sweet. Lol I dont wanna hope for anything more then that haha.

On another note, yesterday was my first day of my 'job'.. Fuck was that ever shitty. All I did was hang up clothes, or price them.. I mean, it was slack as fuck - but oooooohhhh mmmaaan!! I could have just died there. Although, after this week.. It shouldn't be so bad, I mean just evenings and weekends afterall. And for the last week of the month, he's giving me some pretty sweet hours, so I can't complain about that :). I only have 2 days off all week lol, oh man.. I seen I have a few 12-8 shifts *gag* fuuuuuucccckk.. There were a few things I learned from working at Timmy Ho's, and that was.. noon til 8 shifts rrroottttttt aaaaaaasssssssssssss!! They drag on til no end, I swear. But then again, there's no talk about 4am shifts obviously:P So thats fucking right on :D:D!!

I gotta find someone to go to this party tonight with me:P Lol, I dont wanna go alone.. And if I just dont go - Ill feel bad, no doubt. But if I do.. by myself, it'll be all akward and shit because Kim's gonna be there.. Apparently she was just begging Terra to go, to skip her cousins thing and go.. Or something.. And if thats the case, then Im just back to square one... Fuuuuuccckk!! I told Vikki though that if I couldn't go, I'd make it up to her, and I will.. Thats for sure.. Lol especially now that I have money, finally!!! :D:D:D:D She wanted to do a trip with me, but I work tomorrow and I would be too fucked to do anything in the morning. Lol I wouldn't wanna mosey into work on acid on my second shift, that woulnd't look too good:P Although, I know it can be done *hmmmm* Lol, but no, I cant. I need sleep hahahahahaha. That and I'd be fucked, I wouldn't be able to get myself home... Fuuuucckkk that!! Lol Im not even gonna chance it if even Pere cant drive on it =/ Lol so I told her that when I get my re-stock, Ill have to send her some to her new house in Houston :'( She'll like it there lol she'll fit right in:P. Fuck I hope she decides to move back sometime soon though, thats gonna suck if she doesn't. :'(!!!

HMm.. Since I got paid from Goldeyes yesterday [Jason just handed me and Wramil our checks on our way out] I gotta do some maaaajor shopping. I gotta get a stupid dress for this social. Lol, I dont see that going too well. I just dont wanna be the only bridesmaid not wearing a dress, because.. My family's.. odd to say the least. I'd be getting wierd looks and random comments all night. Other than that - I wanna dye my hair soooooooooo bad! I havn't decided if I should go back to red, or back to brown.. Or if I should try for a light colour lol.. Oh man.

Crap .

2006-08-24T22:09:30Z

My dad just got off the phone with Skip. You could just see it in his face when my mom was asking him questions that he was so happy. There's only a handful of other times where I've ever seen that look in my life.. Most of them being when he got to meet his grandchildren for the first time when we were in NB.

Skip wants my dad to stay with them when he goes down there. Obviously my dad's ecstatic about that idea. He told Skip he's planning to be there before christmas.

This will be the first christmas my dad'll get to spend with his kids in.. probably 30 years. This is what he's been waiting for.

And just like that, my dad moves onto his previous family, and Im down a parent. Dont get me wrong, if it makes him happy, alll the power to him, seriously. I just thought that christmas couldn't get any worse.. Lol I was wrong. This year's gonna suck worse than any other. Im not gonna be used to not having him around like that.. I mean, thats something he's NEVER missed.. He's been there for all our christmas' as much as he never wanted to be there, he always was. I think Im actually getting choked up about this =/ wow. Thats something I never thought I'd be saying.

On a better note, I was awoke by a phone call for a job interview.. Well.. I got it. Even though it's gonna suck, a job's a job :D Lol. The only reason I applied there is because all I have to do is take my good ol' 19 there. No fuss no muss.. None of this switching busses bullshit. And there's a stop right outside the building, so thats even better. Because not like I'll be parking down there or anything.. And I wont have to fight when it's cold cuz my bus stops just across my backlane, hell yea lol. Aaaanndd!! None of this 24-hour bullshit :D:D:D:D they close at 9, fuuuuuuucckk yea. Mall hours my friend, mall hours:P

Whats your rush now? Everyone will have his day to die .

2006-08-24T06:55:41Z

It was wierd.

Everything just made sense.. Like the phrase "everything happens for a reason" came into play.

It was deja vu, and a bunch of unanwsered questions all rolled into one.

It was as if for that very moment everything was just a closed book.

As if, the meaning of life could have popped up at any second.

It was the circle becoming a straight line and everything resolved.

It was the acid trip that actually made sense. [although there was no acid involved that day:P.]

Im starting to scare myself.

xsolitarysoulx @ 2006-08-21T17:07:00

2006-08-21T22:09:06Z

Bahahhahahahahahhahahahaha!!!!! As I was on my way home from Andres place, I couldn't help but notice a dickie-dee trying to cross Regent.. Anyways, it was that same guy that used to ride my area, the one who everyone hated. LMAO I'll still never forget the day when I seen like 9 kids on his bike trying to break into the freezer thing and get free ice cream while he's riding down the street trying to shoo them off the front. Bahahahahhaha. And I finally put my finger on who I think he looks like.. Dancin' Gabe. Maybe it's him? lmao.

you wearing a mask, you look better that way .

2006-08-21T15:22:31Z

So it's been brought to my attention that I havn't updated in 7 days, so here it goes..

I've been stoned for pretty much the whole week straight it seems, good or bad - Im not sure yet haha, but it was awesome. I don't remember if I did anything on Tuesday or not, but on Wednesday, I went with Andre to Jasons place and hung out for the evening. I froze my ass from that stupid a/c while we watched Clerks and Clerks 2.. Good movies lmao. I honestly didn't think I was going to remember the way from the door to my van haha I was starting to sketch myself out going down the stairs, but realized that you could even see it bahahhaa, and with my nice parking job, I got out no problem HAHA. I was a little turned around after I got outta there though and thought I had gotten lost, because with nothing open and nothing going on, it's a little dissorienting[sp].

Hmmmmm.. On Thursday, Melissa picked me up and I went to their place for the evening. When we got back, Andre was talking to John and was saying he was bringing Kayla over. So the 5 of us sat around all night and got pretty toasty. Man, I didn't think that walk for the pizza was gonna end, lol what a far way to go when your lazy:P

On Friday, I did nothing pretty much all day.. I got home, lazed around for a bit and then had to work at the Goldeyes game. Hahaha, we ended up getting soup in a box because some guy struck out. Gross. The game was alright I guess, as long as usual.. Colin was there, which was verrrryyyy surprising =/ Lol aww, I felt bad.. He had to come all the way down from the press box to come 'fix' my camera. LMAO it took him like.. a good 10 mins to realize that the ND filter was on, oh boy. My headset was the shitty one, or else I could have told that to Jason and we could have saved soooo much time. I thought that was a little bad because I mean, come on, he DID go to Brandon haha, Im only outta highschool and I could have told you that?:P We had kisscam to do.. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be, the few couples in my section were already cuddling and pointing "me! me! us! us!" So fuck yea, thank you soooo much for making my life easy:) woo. After the game.. I came home and lazed around.. I went to go visit Andre at work at like.. fuck man, 2am? Stayed for a while and then came home.. I was absolutely dead for Saturday.

On Saturday, I went to Thunder Rapids. Lol it was only decided to go there because I've never been on go karts or anything before, yes I know, Im lame:P. I did however kick major ass at mini golf haha, but then got my ass whomped on the bumper boats ha ha the guy running it laughed and was all "looks like you lost" hiiillllllarious haha jk. Anyways, after that went to some place by Unicity to play pool, that was fun. After all that, I came home, crashed out for an hour and then had to get my ass up to go back to the Goldeyes. Fuuuuuuuuccckk. What a long game that was. We couldn't find a dirty car, it looked like fuckin car wash day or something. Lol every car in the parking lots were practically spotless. The game was going by so fast up until fuckin.. the 6th or so inning, they had I swear 5 or more pitching changes, gaaahh!! And the coach from Kansas had to go talk to him like every 3 minutes. Good lord, I thought we'd never leave.

On Sunday, I had a 1:30 game to work. Lol poor Kane, he thought it was a 1pm start, so he was there for like.. 11:45 lmao shit. Lol after we went down and shot the dirty car, and had to listen to people crack jokes about how smart they were that they knew what we were doing, go you guys.. woo for season tickets *NOT!!* how fucking lame is that? Goldeyes suck nads. Lol there was this van behind us that just finished unloading a whole bunch of people, so Wramil, being the smartass he is, said "hey Kane, back up a bit and when they say something, yell at them and tell them that your allowed to be a douche because your a camera guy" Lol it was funny, I gotta say that. To waste time, we went and hung out on those big couches that they have upstairs.. Lol we must have looked terrible.. Here we are, to work, and were talking about how people look like whores, friends boyfriends in jail, and how you know when someone hasn't tried a certain drug lmao what a random conversation but it was awesome. We were like.. 2 mins late though, well.. not quite, but almost. So that was no good. Randomly during like the 4th inning, Wramil was all over the headset "hey ashley, section f standing up" I looked but couldn't see anyone I thought that he was talking about, however I seen Mrs. K and was taken back by that. Since we were having such problems with our batteries and what not, he came down to my side of the field and said that he seen Ms. V. So it turns out, me and Wramils grade 2 and 3 teachers were sitting in the stands with eachother watching the game, that was crazy. Lol they look exactly the same. Wramil has his fingers crossed that Ms. V isn't a teacher anymore and took up dancing lmao.

So.. even though I got in shit, I took the van and went to visit Andre again at work Lol. Oh man, this is really pissing me off. I gotta think of something clever to pull the same shiton my mom as she did to me. I gotta talk to Corey and see what exactly she was blackmailing me with in the first place, on her end I mean.. Not mine. I mean, really, how stupid is THAT.. What kind of mom blackmails her own, and ONLY daughter for something stupid like sleeping out and then expects to pull rank on my ass? FUCK THAT. This is why no one understands why me and her dont get along, nooooooo one elses mom is messed up enough to pull shit like that on them, no one that I know of anyways.. So no one knows all the joy and fun that I have to put up with. This is stupid. And especially that my dad's back in the house, shes getting even MORE wierd and shit. Fuuuuck, I should.. I dunno what.. I gotta pull csi and find something juicy that my dad doesn't know about with my mom and john lmao. Maybe I'll get Corey drunk and he'll tell me about all their workplace romances *gag* bahahahahaha lmao!! :O I got it! I know my dad has john's girlfriends number somewhere around here that he used to threaten my mom with lmao, go dad. So.. I gotta find that piece of paper, cuz she knows that I'll actually phone her - no questions asked. Besides, John's a loser, and doesn't deserve to be able to get away with this [again] and even though my moms crazy as all fuck, he doesn't deserve her either.. Shes too generous to the people she actually likes lol. But then again, she can go nuts if thats what she really wants. She knows it's me or him, if he moves in, I'll be moving out the same day, or even the day before lol.. I better start looking for places because as soon as my dad sells some more of his shit, he'll be going to NB and that means, someones coming and someones going lol. Oh man, this is gonna be one interesting rest of the year, thats for sure.

So.. The last time I checked the calender - it was almost September, you know what that means, here comes the shitty part of the year for me, right on. Fuck man, I wish I could just hibernate from this point on until like.. March. That would be nice. I mean, as much as Im looking forward to my b-day, it's not worth all the shit around it. Although, Im not gonna let anything ruin that week or weekend:P Lol Terras booked off my whole birthday weekend, ooooohh man, that will be good times.

Vikkis going away party is this Saturday, on.. I dont even know.. Some boat lol. The paddle Wheel or the River Rouge or.. I dunno, one of those:P I dunno about that.. Somehow I gotta scrounge up like $15 lol just tog et on the fucking boat. That sucks. I dont even know whos all going "everyone except nikki" doesn't really say much. And everyone keeps telling me that Kims going, although we all know that me and her aren't really on talking terms still.. Lol Im still waiting for my apology, geez.

And thats life as of this week . . . enjoy?

xsolitarysoulx @ 2006-08-14T13:18:00

2006-08-14T18:18:42Z

So what do you do when one of your best friends just decides to one day up and cut you out of their life for no reason?

I dont know what to do. I honestly wish there was something, ANYTHING I could say or do to change his mind..

I didn't do anything to him to make him do this. I feel like just because I went along with everything, I lost a friend.

If I would have known wayyy back when that getting involved with him more so then just friends would result in a broken friendship - you can bet your ass I wouldn't have done anything.

All I want is my friend back. Really.. Nothing more, I just wanna hang out with him again like we used to, even just to talk to him and everything. I would like to think that I was a good friend to him, I think I was, at least I tried to be.. Thats for sure.

I've come to the conclusion that if I got a second chance to be friends again, I would never in a million years do anything to jepordize that. I wouldn't put anything on the line for something that was only one sided to begin with, I wouldn't get all wierd about anything.. And on top of everything, Im even willing to forget everything that has happened bad in the past, you know? Start fresh and just.. Be like we used to be.. BEFORE May.

I know this entry doesn't mean shit.. Because afterall, he's deleted me off his friends list and wont ever read this.. I just can't get anything out of my head. I just want 4 months ago back, thats all.

I just dont get it. I could see if there was something that I did wrong to deserve this, but there's nothing. I dont see how 'this is the best thing for me' and that 'one day I'll agree'. No I wont! I think I know whats best for me, I just want my friend back!!!!!! Omg. :(

Lol I don't feel good. On the up side, I've lost 5 pounds in under a week, go me? Even though that aint right =/

oh man :( .

2006-08-11T07:25:30Z

Wow. Talk about irony with this whole friends thing. I finally got to talk to Misty.. She called and told me this huuuuuge story that just floored me.

On Saturday night after her and a whole bunch of other people went to this house party.. Chelle calls up Misty and tells her that Dee wanted the milk from Chelle's mom's place [2 blocks down from my house]. She said that Dee was drunk and that she was gonna stay at her moms because she didn't want to get hit or anything. So she asked Misty if she'd go pick it up and deliver it to him.

Anyways, finally asking anyone and everyone for a ride, she found some guys to drive her.. So all the way they came from somewhere around Main, down to Weston, then to Dee's[which is right across from Garden City Collegiate?]. They got there, and Misty went inside to give it to him. He started rambling on and said something about her being a bitch or a whore or something.. But she doesn't know exactly what was said. So all she said was "whatever Dee" and started out of the house.. She got into the front yard and he came running out of the house just screaming at the top of his lungs. About 'how dare she talk like that to him' 'you have no right' this that and the other thing.. He said some other stuff that I cant remember.. and told her to get back in the house. She ran to the car.. But he caught up.

So there on the sidewalk, he started just beating the shit outta her. This car full of guys just sat and watched and did absolutely nothing. He finally stopped and told her to get back in the house. There was nothing she could do so she followed him back inside. When she turned to go back in, the guys fucked off[because they wern't about to fuck with the bloods[sp] screw that] and basically stranded her there. They got inside and he told her to call Chelle I guess. So she did and it didn't take long for Chelle to figure out what had JUST happened. Anyways, Misty was trying to convince her to get down there and what not because she was scared. All Dee said was.. 'It's either you or your friend, which one?' For some reason, Chelle refused to go down there.. I mean I totally understand because she gets it all the time, but at the same time.. It's your friend who was doing her a fucking favor - and she gets fucking stomped for it?! And I mean.. Literally stomped.

So after a while.. I guess they got into something else inside the house and her purse and everything Misty had on her went everywhere in the living room, all over the floor and what not.. Dee told her to get the fuck outta his house and woulnd't let her take anything.. She had to get her keys which almost resulted in.. yet some more shit to go down. So after it was all said and done.. She had to walk from Leila, to Mcgregor at like 6am.

MIsty called Chelle the next day I guess it was to get her purse.. and she never even asked if she was alright or anything. She said nothing. And this is coming from a girl who shes like sisters with. I was sooooo shocked when Misty told me all this. I couldn't believe it - and I still can't.

Like omg. I never in a million years would have thought that Chelle would have gotten herself into such the mess that she can't get out of. I asked Misty why she didn't call the cops or anything.. But because Dee threatened her with soooooo much. Him and 'his boys' know where not only she lives, but obviously Chelle's mom, and even Cecil. There's no wayyyyy she would survive if she called the cops. I mean, this guy knows so many people it's sickning. Everyones just waiting for him to go to jail, even though I don't think he will. But I found out that apparently he's got soooo much against him. The cops know he's a crack dealer. And he's been charged while driving with it in his possesion. Plus.. All the other numerous things he has against him. But honestly, I cant see him going down.. He's have someone else take the fall, or pay bail - either/or.

The scary thing was Misty was all 'You know, Im scared.. I dont wanna see him when he's 30.. I mean, if he's like this now and he's only 19 :|' She said she was so scared for Chelle and the baby.. We all are but there's nothing anyone can do. If you go after him, he'll only come back x10 with like guns and shit.. anything he has he'll use - no questions asked. He knows where everyone lives.. He's been to half our houses in the past. Lol knows even what cars everyone drives. Fuck that shit. I had asked Misty in the past why she doesn't just leave once and for all.. Her response was 'She can't. The best way to describe Chelle is that shes trapped. She can't do anything.. There's nothing she can do. She doesn't want to endanger herself anymore then she already has obviously and she doesn't want anything to happen to her baby'. On the outside, it looks like she's got it all. I mean.. Shes got the guy that 'everyone wishes they were', a house, money coming out of her ass, doesn't have to work, and she drives a fucking escalade!! =/ It's all the stuff you don't see though that she can't get away from as much as she would like to. He beats her.. A lot I guess, he has pretty much a different girl on the side all the time.. girls always over at their house, and if Chelle so much as looks at another guy - she gets it. No questions asked.

Fuck man.. I can't even believe the shit thats happening. I want to do something, but there's nothing I really can do. Roxxie's mom is awesome in taking the baby some weekends and what not. At least she'll have a place to get away from everything. I hope though that things change before shes old enough to remember shit that goes on around her. Thats terrible. Ahhh I never thought Chelle of all people would turn into one of these people. I mean, this is the girl that was always so quiet and had me over for hotdogs and banana sauce[ I dont know why but it just sticks out in my mind] during lunch times at CRS, the girl I used to laugh so much with in Mr. V's class when he'd have a 'Vvvverdniccc mommeeent!!'[lmaoooo].. I feel so crappy because I cant do anything for her that someone else hasn't already done. Fuck I hope something happens to him, really. She doesn't deserve this, and the sick thing is.. She even TOLD Misty that even after everything thats happened, that is happening right now, all the torment that she has to endure day after day.. That she wouldn't take it back for a second because it was him to gave her her daughter. And she wouldn't give that little girl up for the world - she IS Chelle's world. I wish she would have never gotten involved with Dee in the first place. I don't know why she got herself so deep. I mean, shes just not safe even when she goes out.. Doing deliveries and shit BY HERSELF :| That just isn't right. I mean, c'mon now.. A tiny girl like her, really. Never in my wildest dreams did I think she had it THAT bad, I just feel so terrible ahhhh. What am I supposed to do in a situation like this?! :(

waking up to a thunderstorm is love .

2006-08-10T16:40:05Z

Yesterday, me and Melissa had a loonnnggg conversation in her mom's basement. And even though my comment was directed to her, it made me think as well.

The past few weeks have really made me think. I've found myself re-evaluating more then one of my friendships, and I don't know what to do exactly.

The comment was about one of her old best friends whom she doesn't talk to anymore. She said she wished that things could go back to the way they were, and that everything would be ok again. I told her that maybe this friend wont come back into her life after all [because my initial comment was, give it time].. But that maybe they wern't meant to. That maybe this person had only come into her life the first time to serve a certain purpose no matter what the outcome. I said I bet she wouldn't take anymore friendships or people for granted after seeing what had happened here.. And she agreed. She learned so much from that whole situation and has since then grown in a sense. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right? It's not about how everything looks right now, it's about the big picture. Because afterall, Im a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, both good and bad.. and you may not see it now, but there's a reason that everything goes the way it does and that eventually everything works itself out.

Literally the only thing I've gotten from my dad was his "You know, there's one thing I hate. And thats a liar and a thief blah blah blah" Because of him, I turned into who I am today.. I mean, you <u>would</u> learn after growing up in a place where if someone even thought you were lying, or had caught you in one, you got it good. Something like that just stays with you forever.. Even if we don't really talk anymore.

I love my friends, I honestly do.. I'd do anything for them.. But I don't think it's right that someone has to ask me to constantly lie. I mean, ok maybe it's one thing if it's a one-time thing, but more than once - or all the time.. And especially if they know damn well where you stand, and that you just don't lie? There's something not right with that picture. I shouldn't be excepted to lie about something that would just convienence someone else and make their life all happiness and sunshine "for the time being" as it was so elegantly put yesterday. It wouldn't get me anywhere, thats for sure. If anything.. I'd be pushed further away than I already have been. But thats neither here nor there apparently.

After trying to look at the big picture.. Im not only seeing what I'll be losing after losing this friend, if this is what it actually has to come to. But look at all that I've gained after having this person come into my life. My advice to Melissa was more then I could have asked for lol I don't even know where it was coming from when I was talking to her. But I mean, I've learned so much from everything.. Even though it has to have such a shitty outcome, I'll never make the same mistakes twice. I won't be so stupid next time.. Whenever that may be. I've seen things that I have to watch for next time, I know things I shouldn't do and what definately shouldn't be done. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret anything thats happened, it's all apart of what everything is all about.. I just regret having to innevitably lose someone because we clash opinions on what should be said at a time like this. On the other hand, I've met some great people through all this mess that I have a feeling wont just up and shaft me when I wont lie for them.

Then again, I think that if I really was considered a best friend in this persons eyes[in one situation], that they'd see what this is doing and not just want to throw me away like this, does that not make sense? I mean, there's no possible way that anyone would want to just throw their best friend away if thats truly how they felt about them, it just wouldn't be right. That in itself really sucks.. To know that I just don't matter enough to have something go right, or go my way. All I want is to not have to lie about anything.. That would make me happy. But this is getting ridiculous. Yes, truth hurts.. but lying about it will only come around and bite you in the ass eventually.. And that I can guarantee. But then again, if your not smart enough to see that thats whats been happening over and over again already, well then there's nothing I can really help you with.

Like, you have absolutely no idea how this makes me feel.. to have basically an ultimaitum thrown in your face. Because whether you see it or not, thats pretty much what this is. I have to either lie and go against every fucking moral fibre in my body to keep us as friends, even though already we seem to have drifted almost over night it seems.. OR I don't lie about anything, keep my dignity I guess you could say, and do what I feel is right but at the same time.. Have people upset with me and unfortunately lose a friend.

This sucks. I shouldn't be in this situation to begin with. I really shouldn't. I never asked for any of this, what could I have ever possibly done to ANYONE to get forced into being treated like this???! Someone pleeaaaasssse tell me!! I didn't think I was a bad person, I really didn't. I dont know though, apparently I dont know a lot of things it seems lately.

But really, I must be one hell of an aweful person.. I don't know why anyone even talks to me. Oh well I guess.. I guess I'll just have to keep that nice thought with me until I can change into someone who people want around, you know? Fuck man, Im sorrie for everything I've ever put anyone through..

Melissa, thanks so much for all the great talks and what not, it really means a lot to me. I havn't been able to talk like that with someone in a loonnngg time. I still can't believe I told you that story. Your literally the first person I've told in years. Not even my family knows about it lol =/. But you know what I was getting at from all that.. And I think my point was quite clear.. Im on your side of that whole thing lol, thats for sure. Thats bullshit, really. Lol just thinking back to my story is getting me all worked up again haha what a prick:P No good.

But in any case, Im done. Im done with all the lies, all the bullshit, all the useless stress. I really don't need this. Corey's advice from the other day [even though it was about relationships and not directed towards me, it's still so relevent] really got to me. While putting into so many words why my cousin should smarten up.. After my aunt said 'The best advice I could ever give my girls is that people dont change, they just dont and thats why [Christina's] last relationship didn't work' and he said 'Yea, thats what I dont get. People are in relationships for who the person IS.. All the time. Your not in a relationship for how the person is after they've changed. If they have to change to make it work, or to make it easier, it just wont happen. Because thats not fair to the other person either because then your either always fighting or just secretly unhappy, and no one needs that. It only causes a bunch of stress for everyone.' Well.. even for friendships, thats good fuckin advice, it works on so many levels. Thanks man.

P.S. Thanks again Andre for lunch yesterday, for what it's worth.. I really appreciated it.